Boundaries during the Holidays: How to stay sane this Holiday season?

Boundaries during the holidays can be challenging. The holidays aren't always the sparkly, joy-filled times they're made out to be - especially when you're working on boundaries and healing from abuse.

Between the family dynamics, the boundary-pushing, and all that "but they're family" BS, this time of year can feel like psychological warfare.

Let me share what transformation looks like in real life:

"In the past not setting boundaries with family and friends has taken a toll on my health both physically and mentally. Working with Erika, I am learning to put myself first and not be a people pleaser. I have been changing behaviors and enjoying more peace and love in my life." - Jessica

Boundaries during the holidays

Imagine walking into holiday gatherings (or choosing to stay home with your feet up) feeling:

• Confident in your boundaries ; know where you line is for what you will tolerate
• Clear about your worth ; committed to stand up for all the younger versions of you who needed that protection.
• Connected to your power ; feel your head held higher, your back straighter and your gaze steady - YOU are YOU, and you deserve F-ing peace and happiness!
• Completely Unf*ckwithable ; Taking your safety with you, because you love, respect and trust yourself. Seeing that the world does not end (as it feels like it will) when you say no, or stand up for YOU.
• Supported ; so you feel held and certain, even when the panic you might feel choosing yourself comes knocking.

This is your chance to give yourself this gift of support.

How to set effective Boundaries this Holiday season? 

 Here are some tips to hold on to your sanity, and partake in some badassery this holiday season. Not only will you claw back some of your energy and peace once you set boundaries, but you will be doing your inner child work at the same time! 

A good first tip is to engage in a practice called ‘third position’.

This is where you imagine yourself as a gentle observer of the situation (such as a holiday get-together with obnoxious family or colleagues etc) rather than being ‘in it’ in your body feeling all the emotions and possible trauma responses that might come with these people. It serves to take yourself out of it, and not be super triggered in the moment. 

Take inventory of what is particularly triggering/activating for you around the holidays. Then set out what possible aversive action you can take in those areas. Write it out. 

Make yourself some promises and boundaries - such as, you will only commit to staying a certain amount of time at a family gathering and then you will exit. Plan out and rehearse what that exit will sound like and what it will entail. What you need to write or say in advance. 

Or plan for what to say or do when that racist bigot family member says something offensive, or someone trying to get a rise out of you about issues they hold opposing views on. Or when intense scrutiny and questioning starts being directed toward you, the nosy buggers start probing into topics about your personal life that you don’t want to answer! Have some responses up your sleeve, like the ones in my boundary workshop or Boundary course. 

Do exercises that calm you down and regulate your nervous system before you go into the situation. Box breathing, vagus nerve breathing, guided meditations, mindfulness exercises and body scans all work. Also DECIDE, what you will and will not participate in. 

After you have made these changes, be conscious and deliberate about actually ENJOYING the time, energy and peace that you re-claimed! If you find yourself feeling guilty, ‘thought-looping’ and worrying what people might be thinking - try to gently parent yourself in that moment. Give yourself some love and validation, remembering why you made these choices, and stepped back from patterns you know to be harmful or problematic. 

You should be lying back on the sofa feeding yourself chocolates and watching trashy TV (or whatever brings you indulgent joy!). You have likely been taught to please others first, and suppress your own needs. It leads to you feeling guilty about anything you might do for yourself, and only the people that stand to benefit from your lack of boundaries (the TAKERS) will have a problem with you doing what is right for you.  

Every time you abandon and betray yourself for the needs of others, it creates a micro (and often macro let’s be real) injury to you. When you keep promises to yourself, all the inner child versions of you feel protected, defended, seen and heard. These young versions who might have more sway than you think in your day-to-day life, can then start to trust you to look after them as the wise adult parent. To not be on guard, reactive and alert all the time, and with this comes emotional maturity, clarity and confidence. That is why the inner child work, and the work of boundaries are two of the most important elements of my 6 Keys To Unf*ckwithable.

Your next steps to setting effective boundaries during the Holidays 

Your transformation story is waiting to be written.

I know right now it might feel like you’re a little kid on top of that really high diving board. But do you remember ever jumping and then wondering why you were so worried? This is like that. 

This is how your nervous system tries to keep you safe, by keeping you in the familiar. You will look back after the leap and think ‘shit, why did I wait so long!’. If you are fearful I get it, I was there too years ago! But once you get the taste for reconnection with your innate power, and some social and bodily proof that you can do it, it gathers momentum like a wildfire.  

Here are some options for you to get started and set effective Boundaries this Holiday season: 

• Get FREE Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass 
• Enroll in the Badass Boundaries course to learn how to know, express and hold your boundaries 
• Join the 4 week Boundaries Intensive program! Limited-time special offer