Rebuilding self-esteem after emotional abuse

What if I told you that the voice in your head - the one whispering that you’re not enough - was never yours to begin with? Let's talk about rebuilding self-esteem after emotional abuse. 

Maybe you’ve spent years, even decades, doubting yourself. Maybe you’ve second-guessed every decision, apologized for existing, and shaped yourself into whatever version of you was most acceptable to the people around you.

You learned to survive by being easy to love. By being less of a problem. By needing less, asking for less, expecting less. And then you found yourself in a relationship (or maybe a string of them) where that same survival mechanism was exploited. Where love felt conditional—something you had to earn, something that could be yanked away if you misstepped, something that left you feeling unworthy and exhausted.

And now? You don’t even know who you are without it.

If you’ve never had a solid sense of self, if you went from a high-control family dynamic straight into an emotionally abusive relationship, if you’ve never had the luxury of living life based on your needs and desires—then healing can feel as overwhelming as staying where you are. Because it’s not just about rebuilding your self-esteem. It’s about discovering it for the very first time. But I promise you: it’s possible. And this is how you begin.

Steps to rebuilding self-esteem after emotional abuse 

Step 1: Call Out the Lies You Were Fed

Emotional abusers don’t just tear you down randomly. (Okay, some do, but that’s another conversation.)

They do it strategically—because if you doubt yourself enough, you’ll stay under their control. They don’t just insult you; they program you. Their words become the voice in your head, the filter through which you see yourself.

Let’s pull back the curtain:

• "You're too sensitive."  (Translation: “I don’t want to be held accountable for how I treat you.”)
• "You’ll never find someone else." (Translation: “I need you to believe you have no options so you’ll stay.”)
• "You’re not as smart/talented/attractive as you think." (Translation: “If I can make you feel worthless, you won’t realize you deserve better.”)
• "No one else would put up with you." (Translation: “I need you to believe you’re unlovable so you don’t leave me.”)
• Silent treatment, disappearing acts, or random explosions. (Translation: “I want you to feel like you’re constantly failing so I stay in control.”)

Over time, these statements don’t just hurt. They become your inner voice.

But here’s the thing: you can evict them.

Step 2: Rebuilding from the Inside Out

If you’ve never truly had self-esteem, this step might feel impossible. Because how do you rebuild something that was never there? The key is starting small—reconnecting with yourself in ways that feel doable.

• What music do you like (the songs they made fun of)?
• What hobbies make you happy (even if they rolled their eyes at them)?
• What do you want to wear, eat, watch, or do—without guilt?

At first, this might feel ridiculous, like you’re learning to be human from scratch. That’s okay.

These may seem like small things, but they are profound. Every decision you make for yourself is an act of defiance. Every time you choose you, you break their hold a little more.

Step 3: Shut Down the Inner Critic

Related read: Healthy self-reflection vs the Inner Critic

If your inner voice still sounds like your abuser, it’s time to start reclaiming your mental space. Here’s how you begin:

• Catch the thought: "I’m so stupid."
• Question it: Who told me that? Is that actually true?
• Flip it: "I made a mistake, but that doesn’t make me stupid."

You don’t have to go from “I hate myself” to “I am a radiant goddess” overnight. But shifting from “I suck” to “I’m learning”? That’s powerful.

Also realizing each time you catch it that it isn't you. It is a program based on other people. Usually your earliest critic. Notice WHO it sounds like.

Even removing the 1st person ‘charge’ of it by saying “my inner critic is saying I am useless, fat, ugly” etc feels very different in your system than saying “I am ugly, fat, useless'. Try it

Step 4: Rebuild Self-Trust

If you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, chances are you don’t trust yourself anymore. This was by design in the coercive control pipeline you were herded into. You were trained to second-guess everything:

• Am I overreacting?
• Did I cause this?
• Maybe I’m the problem?

Let’s start untangling that:

✔ Make small decisions—and don’t ask for permission.

✔ Listen to your gut—even if it’s just about what to eat for dinner.

✔ Stop explaining yourself—you don’t owe anyone an essay on why you said no.

✔ Honor your emotions—if something feels off, trust that feeling. Every time you back yourself up, you send the message: I’ve got my own back now.

Step 5: Take Up Space Again

Emotional abuse teaches you to shrink—to make yourself smaller, quieter, easier to tolerate.

Healing is about taking up space again.

• Laugh loudly.
• Wear the bold lipstick.
• Sign up for the class.
• Speak up when you feel like it.

At first, it might feel unnatural. That’s okay. Do it anyway.

Because the more space you take up, the harder it becomes to fit back into the tiny box they tried to put you in.

You Were Never the Problem

Rebuilding self-esteem isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about coming back home to yourself.

The version of you that wasn’t constantly questioning, doubting, or apologizing for existing? They’re still in there. And they’re waiting for you to remember them.

You don’t have to have it all figured out today. You don’t have to wake up tomorrow and magically feel whole. But you can take a step. And then another. And another. You deserve a life where you feel solid in yourself.

Where you trust your own voice. Where you don’t have to shrink for anyone. And if you’re not there yet? That’s okay. There are tools, resources, and support to help you get there. And when you’re ready, we’ll take the next step together.💜

Ready for the next step in your healing journey? 

🔓 Join Thrive Resource Library for only $7/monthly to receive access to trauma-informed guides and resources that will help you to recognize abuse and learn the first steps to take in your healing journey. 

💬 Book your 1:1 Laser Coaching Session with me to get a chance to do a deep-dive in your story and evaluate what is the next best step to take. 

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