Are you a recovering misogynist? You’ll want to read this

Many women in their 50’s, are still working through what they saw in their families being true. And it might show up as a misogynistic mindset. Without you even fully knowing it! 

DISCLAIMER

This is a perspective on a traditionally held belief, that I have come to see is worth re-evaluating.

I prequalify this post for anyone who is thinking to @ me about being anti-man - that my male clients give me life!

I assess all people I work with 1:1 for their ability to be safe (correctable) and their basic views on human rights. I will not work with people who are intolerant, hateful, etc.

So, the male clients I have are f-ing incredible, and have taught me so much. In addition; I emphatically ask of anyone reading this (and anything out there you might find you are defensive about), that if your first response to hearing about pain or injustice, or a statistic, concept that points out inequities, racism, sexism, reform ideas etc - is to say ‘NOT ALL men…NOT ALL white people’ - then dig into that a little.

I have helped countless people shift this defensive response, and it is definitely work worth doing.

Are you a recovering misogynist?

I am a woman of 50, a single Mom of 5 boys and a former stay-at-home Mom for 17 years. I am also a recovering misogynist (internalized). I saw my Mom stay home with my sister and I, and all the Moms in our neighborhood do the same. Many of them did not drive, or work outside the home and were completely dependent on their husbands financially.

The men involved did not seem to have a lot of love or appreciation for the role of Mom, and a huge percentage of the women suffered domestic abuse - emotional, psychological, sexual and physical. It was so normalized for me that I saw nothing wrong with it myself, and despite having an amazing career in my youth - still gave it all up and fell into the familiar pattern of devaluation and domesticity easily.

Like that poor little science experiment frog in the pan of warm water, the heat increasing daily by a degree, never knowing he was boiled until he was floating on the top.

In many such cases, women also go on to have what they think are NON misogynistic husbands. They’re not abusive in terms of physical abuse and they are not as cruel as their fathers may have been. An upgrade, one would say…

Such husbands treat you outwardly with respect, are not drunks and do not hit you.

Yes, the bar is exactly that low… Especially to the outside world they seem okay.

However, they often happen to be highly entitled, and have no actual respect for the woman they’re with.

I have a client in a similar situation, sadly one of many.

She uncovered a string of affairs, covert cheating, lying, nefarious financial and legal actions that spanned years, to almost the entirety of our marriage. He did not verbalize it to the world of course, but he believed at his core that as a man who earns money - he deserves reverence and deference.

Sexual entitlement in relationships

There were a lot of red flags at the start of the relationship too, which you often just don’t pay enough attention to.

A guy like this believes his wife is an owned possession, for free labor and to do his bidding in all ways. Labor which; through her ideas, sweat, home management, childcare, feeding and care, assisted and enabled him to build and spearhead a significant empire.

Such men feel like a wife is there to tend to his every need like his Mom did, and to look good in all ways to reflect well on him for the outside world to see. Including looking appealing to him (which meant slim and put together) for sexual gratification should it be required, which they believe is their right as they ‘provide money'.

Just as dehumanizing as the sexual entitlement within the relationship, is being sexually discarded when you were deemed unattractive now due to body changes after childbirth, or excess weight, scars or aging.

Somehow in his eyes you have not fulfilled your contract.

Not providing sex a certain amount of times a week, or not being ‘sexy or hot’ to look at anymore in his eyes. This turns out to be an ever-moving target, almost impossible to achieve by the way.

When a man already thinks of you as his Mom ; once you become one, any shred of being hot to him takes its dying breath. Needing to be the cook, cleaner, manager, business idea and support solutions, Mom, carer, therapist, cheerleader, storefront and sex Goddess is a tall order. Thus he feels justified and fully entitled to go and ‘get it elsewhere’.

Which he does.

Of course, he would never be overt with this belief. Knowing that you as his wife, or the social circle he gets validation from, may find it to be morally reprehensible. Cheating with strangers, ‘friends of the family’ and even the Mom of his son’s best friends.