Signs of coercive control in relationships

Most people think of abuse as bruises and broken bones. But what about the kind of abuse that doesn’t leave marks—the kind that slowly erodes your sense of self, leaving you doubting your own reality? That’s coercive control, and it’s one of the biggest red flags in narcissistic abuse. Let's talk about signs of coercive control in relationships. 

What is coercive control? 

Coercive control isn’t one big, obvious act of violence. It’s a pattern—a slow tightening of the leash until you wake up one day and realize you don’t even recognize yourself anymore.

So let’s talk about what it actually looks like and sounds like in real life.

My favorite (I love simple and real) laymen’s definition of coercive control is - “When the perpetrator asserts in the mind of the victim, the price of their resistance”.

Really think about that, let it sink in. Have you been taught slowly the price of your resistance?

Signs of Coercive Control in Relationships

They Slowly Cut You Off from the World

At first, it seems sweet. “I just love spending time with you.” “I don’t really like your friends, they don’t treat you well.” “Your family doesn’t really get us.”

Before you know it, you’re seeing people less and less. They start fights before you go out. They guilt-trip you for making plans. Eventually, it’s easier to just stay home and keep the peace. And just like that, your world shrinks to only them. They will often try and move you geographically away from your support system and from anyone who can see through their agenda.

They Keep Tabs on Everything You Do

Checking your phone. Asking for passwords. Making little comments like, “Why were you online at 11 PM?” They might even install tracking apps without your knowledge or demand that you “prove” where you were.

A survivor once told me: “He’d ‘randomly’ show up at places I was supposed to be alone. At first, I thought it was love. Later, I realized he always knew where I was—because he was tracking me.”

We are conditioned really early to think of boundary violations and aggressive pursuit in romantic relationships as ‘passionate’ by nonsense media, everything from magazines to Disney movies. It is in fact, just still stalking, harassment and control.

Your Money? Not Really Yours Anymore

Maybe it starts with them handling the bills because it’s “easier.” Or maybe they make you quit your job because “I’ll take care of you.” Next thing you know, you have to ask permission to spend money. Or they drain your accounts so you literally can’t leave.

One woman told me: “Every time I saved money, he’d ‘accidentally’ spend it. It kept me stuck.”

You’re Always Walking on Eggshells & DARVO

One day they’re affectionate, showering you with compliments. The next, they’re cold, irritated, making you feel like you did something wrong—but you have no idea what.

You’re replaying every conversation, wondering if that one text, that one word, that one breath set them off.

Ever heard “Why do you always make me angry?” or “You’re too sensitive, I was just joking”? That’s gaslighting—they’re making you doubt your own emotions and experience. If every time you bring something up that they have done to hurt you and they deny it and then attack you verbally or give you some consequence - then you feel bad for bringing it up - you are likely getting D.A.R.V.O’d.

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. If this acronym lands like thud in your soul - remember it and make some notes where your abuser can't see, to track each time they do this.

Sex Becomes a Tool for Power

They demand it when they want it. Maybe they sulk or get angry if you’re not in the mood. Maybe they make you feel guilty for saying no.

Or maybe they withdraw affection altogether, making you earn their love back. Either way, it’s not about intimacy anymore—it’s about control.

Everything is a Test, and You’re Always Failing

There are unspoken rules, and you’re expected to just know them. If you break one? There’s hell to pay.

One survivor told me: “He’d go silent for days if I said the ‘wrong’ thing. No explanation, just ice. I’d end up apologizing, even though I didn’t know what I did wrong.”

They Use Your Kids (or Pets) Against You

Ever heard “If you leave, you’ll never see the kids again”? Or maybe they tell your kids that you’re the problem. They turn them against you, making it feel impossible to leave.

One woman told me: “He kicked my dog when he was mad at me. That’s when I knew I had to get out.”

Your Confidence? Shattered.

They nitpick. They compare you to others. They make backhanded comments like, “Are you really wearing that?” or “No one else would put up with you.” My personal fave is “You will never, ever do better than me” “You are so lucky that I am with you” etc.

They love to twist who is bringing what value to the relationship too. There may be vast inequities in what you contribute to the home for example, or finances and you could be making all the money and doing all the home chores too - and they would still find a way to convince you that they are the value and that you are not pulling your weight.

Over time, you start believing it. You stop speaking up. You stop making decisions. You stop being you.

What to do when you have noticed signs of coercive control in relationships?

If any of this feels familiar, you are not crazy. You are not imagining things. This is real. This is abuse. And you don’t have to stay stuck.

Coercive control works because it isolates you, and it conditions you to think that they are right about you being useless or them having all the power. This is NOT the case. Anyone trying to control you is the opposite of powerful. They are doing so because THEY FEAR your power. They have just hoodwinked you into believing their projected insecurity. Love DOES NOT feel or look like this.

The problem most people have when 

• You have the ‘aha moment’ that your relationship is abusive

• Preparing to leave

• After leaving, but still feel completely trauma bonded and like you cannot move on is, that IT FEELS LIKE AN ADDICTION!

It feels so difficult to pull away from - because your nervous system has associated survival with complying.

Don’t blame it or feel it is wrong; as it’s primary job is to keep you safe. It does not have the capacity for nuance and does not understand that - what might have kept you safe years ago is no longer applicable, due to you being an adult with emotional, mental and financial resources.

This is usually the work I do with any new client; essentially taking small brave steps in our safe relationship to teach your nervous system that you can move away from this and get your life back, one safe step at a time, and that you will not perish from it! Learning how to recognize and change the voice in your head from the abuser’s filter and back to your own true voice.

Indeed when you are away from the proximity of this coercive relationship you will feel like an HD version of you, and if you choose - can rewrite and create an entirely new life for yourself that is much more centered around your desires, needs and what lights you up.

For the sh*t sandwich that these relationships dynamics bring you - this total reassessment and recreation of your life for YOU is a silver lining.

You are not alone. You are not broken. And you can get free.

Ready for the next step in your healing journey? 

🔓 Join Thrive Resource Library for only $7/monthly to receive access to trauma-informed guides and resources that will help you to recognize abuse and learn the first steps to take in your healing journey. 

💬 Book your 1:1 Laser Coaching Session with me to get a chance to do a deep-dive in your story and evaluate what is the next best step to take. 

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